Post by Narifia on May 12, 2014 22:46:52 GMT -5
Hey guys, Narifia here.
I've been struggling for a while over whether or not I should post this, how much I should say, and whether or not it's even really worth it to post. It's been a difficultfew many months for me. I've tried to write this so many times and ended up erasing it all each time. I've never really been the type to publicize things like this, mainly because it's just not something that I want to draw a lot of attention to. I've been on other forums before that were run by people who thrived on drama, and posted everything they could and pulled all kinds of tricks just to get attention, and I've never wanted to be perceived like that. It's senseless to bring life drama into what's supposed to be a fun, relaxing environment. So, that's why I've been hesitant to post about this. But I've felt for a long time that I needed to explain myself, why I've been away so long and why I've been kind of distant even when I am here, so in a way I feel like it's really necessary to get this out. But I don't want it to drag on. I just want to get it said and then finally feel free to move on and start roleplaying again. I want to live life again and stop being so damn lethargic, and my hope is that this will help me do that. And... I also just really want to be understood.
I've been pretty stressed out for quite a while, but it hasn't been the normal, productive kind of stress that comes with being in college. It's like I've been dropped in a maze with no map and no sense of direction, and crowded on top of that with people who all seem to know where they're going and I'm just in the way, cowering in the center while everyone around me pushes by and continues on without regard for anyone's path but their own. It's a very dark and uninviting place to be in, and it'd be a different story if I could just walk out, but when you don't know which turn to take you just feel trapped, and that's when all the hopeless feelings start to overtake you. I've been everything from sad to angry to utterly confused and disoriented—and the worst part is that I haven't even known why.
It's not easy to explain to others when you don't know yourself what's wrong. I've found myself avoiding lots of things because of that; assignments, classes (due to the embarrassment of not having completed assignments), people (even friends who I loved and talked to almost daily), family, responsibilities, this forum... I've been lethargic, completely unable to muster the energy or even the desire to do not only school work, but also things I love: drawing, writing, coming up with great characters and stories to share with others, and coming here to roleplay—my favorite hobby of all time. And it didn't stop there. I got so desperately unenthusiastic about life that even getting up to go make myself some food seemed like a daunting challenge. And when even getting up to take care of yourself becomes a challenge, then EVERYTHING becomes a nightmare.
For me, this has been especially true concerning people. Socializing has never been particularly easy for me, but it's never been like this. Just going out in public and listening to people idly chat on the bus on the way to school made me on edge. I couldn't even tune them out, and I was so stressed out that I didn't even have the energy to drown them out with headphones and some of my favorite music, despite having it readily available in my bag—and it's frustrating to try to explain that to people, because for people who don't feel this way, it's a “no brainer” to just pull out the iPod and listen to some music to chill. But for me, even that seemed like a nightmare—and if you know anything about me, you'd know that's really out of character for me. I thrive on music, I almost eat it and drink it for how much it can inspire my creative side. But even that became a monotonous drag, and endlessly searching for new music to bring back that old spark didn't help either.
Having to be an active and vocal participant in class, and having to be social with classmates and teachers, would leave me drained at the end of the day. Now, I LOVE school, and I always have. That's partially why I want to be a teacher—I feel very "at home" in a scholastic environment, so I normally LOVE classes in which I can be active and vocal. But for some reason lately it has just left me completely drained. Maybe it's because when I got home, that environment was gone and I was left in the boring, monotonous lifestyle that home life has become for me. Or maybe I'm just not used to being busy like this nearly 24/7, and an active lifestyle just doesn't suit an introvert like me. Maybe it's a little of both, but I'm still not really sure. Regardless my frazzled nerves, rubbed raw due to over-socialization, left me completely uninterested in being social once I got home. I would go straight to my room and hope no one even acknowledged I was at home. I'd tense up whenever I heard footsteps outside my door, or the phone ringing. I'd sit on the computer for the rest of the night, avoiding anything that had to do with interacting with people and just playing games, or watching videos mindlessly for hours on end. For the few people I still socialized with, I started saying really stupid things and making no sense half the time, leaving me super self-conscious and further damaging my already raw nerves.
I finally realized that something needed to be done when I started snapping at people for no reason, over little things that normally wouldn't bother me. I was inexplicably tense and angry all the time, and when all the steam from my anger would finally subside I'd just be left feeling completely exhausted and empty. After that my emotions would range from feeling utterly defeated, to being hopelessly sad, and to—worst of all—just cutting off all feeling entirely. This cycle of negativity nearly ended my relationship—thank Aiheu I have an understanding and supportive boyfriend, or I might be single right about now. But it was after the millionth time of having gotten into another useless argument that I finally decided that enough was enough, and I couldn't live my life like this anymore.
Thanks to some advice and gentle encouraging from Kai, who's been the most understanding and supportive person in my life for as long as I can remember, and further support and encouragement from my Adam, I finally made the move to go see a therapist. I found out for sure what I'd been dreading for the longest time; that I was depressed. In a way I guess I saw it coming, but to have it confirmed made it real—which in a way is really scary, but in another way is also a huge relief. It means that this is something that can be fixed. Maybe not all at once, but still. It's something, I guess. I've made a little progress since then and discovered a few ways to cope, but I'm sure it'll be a long road.
Remember when I said I saw this coming? I lied. I don't feel like this makes sense at all. I feel like I'm a naturally happy person and that I've always been, but I've been slowly coming unhinged lately and it's just not fair, to me or anyone who has to deal with me. I'm still feeling socially awkward even around friends and family that I've been close to for as long as I can remember, and there's really no logical reason I should. I'm skittish and on edge and I ramble and obsess over things that only really seem to matter to me. And it's really, really annoying to me, because I'm constantly worrying that I'm annoying someone else. And I'm really tired of it. I wish I knew a magical way to not feel this way or be this paranoid, but I just haven't made it that far yet.
Anyway... this post is getting ridiculously long. I guess the point of this post is to acknowledge and face all of this so that I can finally move on and get back to what I love doing again, which is roleplaying here. I (and Kai) put a lot of love into this place, these characters and their stories, and we've been at it too long for me to just let it fizzle out now because I'm feeling crummy. I know for some of you this may be coming out of left field and it might seem like a lot of fuss to make over a little roleplay forum, but for me this is and has always been a big part of my life. I'm a writer, and I want to pass on my creative writing skills when I become a teacher, and roleplay has been the single most fun and rewarding way that I've been able to hone my storywriting, plot, and character development skills. This isn't just a hobby for me—it's my passion, my career, and my life. And even my therapist agrees that the forum is something I really need to get back into in order to feel like myself again. Why it's taken this long to get back and post is mainly due to the awkwardness I've felt socially. I wasn't quite sure how to come back. Just like those classes that I avoided because I couldn't muster the will to get my assignments done, I feel like I was avoiding the same thing here. I'd failed to post for so long that I was embarrassed to come back and just jump right in like nothing happened (having a half-dead muse didn't help much, either). I know I probably shouldn't have felt that way, and that I might have even been paranoid over nothing, but that's what depression does to you. It makes even the things you love alien to you, and that's not an easy thing to cope with, let alone even accept.
Like I said, I didn't post this for attention or to even really make a big deal about it (despite the length of this monstrous post x__x). I posted it to make my peace with it and move on. I can only hope that my absence hasn't bored everyone away—which has been another fear I've been avoiding. Summer, Ace, and Samaki, you've all been so fantastic and patient that I've felt horrible just leaving you all hanging, and it isn't fair for me to just come back and ask for more patience. I guess I just wanna say that I'm sorry for all this, and I really want to come back and bring the spark back into the forum again. If you're ready to move on though, I completely understand. But if you're still willing to give it another go, then so am I. And this time, I freaking mean it
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel better finally getting it all out. Let's hope that this can be the start of things picking back up again, and if not, then they sure were some damn good times
I've been struggling for a while over whether or not I should post this, how much I should say, and whether or not it's even really worth it to post. It's been a difficult
I've been pretty stressed out for quite a while, but it hasn't been the normal, productive kind of stress that comes with being in college. It's like I've been dropped in a maze with no map and no sense of direction, and crowded on top of that with people who all seem to know where they're going and I'm just in the way, cowering in the center while everyone around me pushes by and continues on without regard for anyone's path but their own. It's a very dark and uninviting place to be in, and it'd be a different story if I could just walk out, but when you don't know which turn to take you just feel trapped, and that's when all the hopeless feelings start to overtake you. I've been everything from sad to angry to utterly confused and disoriented—and the worst part is that I haven't even known why.
It's not easy to explain to others when you don't know yourself what's wrong. I've found myself avoiding lots of things because of that; assignments, classes (due to the embarrassment of not having completed assignments), people (even friends who I loved and talked to almost daily), family, responsibilities, this forum... I've been lethargic, completely unable to muster the energy or even the desire to do not only school work, but also things I love: drawing, writing, coming up with great characters and stories to share with others, and coming here to roleplay—my favorite hobby of all time. And it didn't stop there. I got so desperately unenthusiastic about life that even getting up to go make myself some food seemed like a daunting challenge. And when even getting up to take care of yourself becomes a challenge, then EVERYTHING becomes a nightmare.
For me, this has been especially true concerning people. Socializing has never been particularly easy for me, but it's never been like this. Just going out in public and listening to people idly chat on the bus on the way to school made me on edge. I couldn't even tune them out, and I was so stressed out that I didn't even have the energy to drown them out with headphones and some of my favorite music, despite having it readily available in my bag—and it's frustrating to try to explain that to people, because for people who don't feel this way, it's a “no brainer” to just pull out the iPod and listen to some music to chill. But for me, even that seemed like a nightmare—and if you know anything about me, you'd know that's really out of character for me. I thrive on music, I almost eat it and drink it for how much it can inspire my creative side. But even that became a monotonous drag, and endlessly searching for new music to bring back that old spark didn't help either.
Having to be an active and vocal participant in class, and having to be social with classmates and teachers, would leave me drained at the end of the day. Now, I LOVE school, and I always have. That's partially why I want to be a teacher—I feel very "at home" in a scholastic environment, so I normally LOVE classes in which I can be active and vocal. But for some reason lately it has just left me completely drained. Maybe it's because when I got home, that environment was gone and I was left in the boring, monotonous lifestyle that home life has become for me. Or maybe I'm just not used to being busy like this nearly 24/7, and an active lifestyle just doesn't suit an introvert like me. Maybe it's a little of both, but I'm still not really sure. Regardless my frazzled nerves, rubbed raw due to over-socialization, left me completely uninterested in being social once I got home. I would go straight to my room and hope no one even acknowledged I was at home. I'd tense up whenever I heard footsteps outside my door, or the phone ringing. I'd sit on the computer for the rest of the night, avoiding anything that had to do with interacting with people and just playing games, or watching videos mindlessly for hours on end. For the few people I still socialized with, I started saying really stupid things and making no sense half the time, leaving me super self-conscious and further damaging my already raw nerves.
I finally realized that something needed to be done when I started snapping at people for no reason, over little things that normally wouldn't bother me. I was inexplicably tense and angry all the time, and when all the steam from my anger would finally subside I'd just be left feeling completely exhausted and empty. After that my emotions would range from feeling utterly defeated, to being hopelessly sad, and to—worst of all—just cutting off all feeling entirely. This cycle of negativity nearly ended my relationship—thank Aiheu I have an understanding and supportive boyfriend, or I might be single right about now. But it was after the millionth time of having gotten into another useless argument that I finally decided that enough was enough, and I couldn't live my life like this anymore.
Thanks to some advice and gentle encouraging from Kai, who's been the most understanding and supportive person in my life for as long as I can remember, and further support and encouragement from my Adam, I finally made the move to go see a therapist. I found out for sure what I'd been dreading for the longest time; that I was depressed. In a way I guess I saw it coming, but to have it confirmed made it real—which in a way is really scary, but in another way is also a huge relief. It means that this is something that can be fixed. Maybe not all at once, but still. It's something, I guess. I've made a little progress since then and discovered a few ways to cope, but I'm sure it'll be a long road.
Remember when I said I saw this coming? I lied. I don't feel like this makes sense at all. I feel like I'm a naturally happy person and that I've always been, but I've been slowly coming unhinged lately and it's just not fair, to me or anyone who has to deal with me. I'm still feeling socially awkward even around friends and family that I've been close to for as long as I can remember, and there's really no logical reason I should. I'm skittish and on edge and I ramble and obsess over things that only really seem to matter to me. And it's really, really annoying to me, because I'm constantly worrying that I'm annoying someone else. And I'm really tired of it. I wish I knew a magical way to not feel this way or be this paranoid, but I just haven't made it that far yet.
Anyway... this post is getting ridiculously long. I guess the point of this post is to acknowledge and face all of this so that I can finally move on and get back to what I love doing again, which is roleplaying here. I (and Kai) put a lot of love into this place, these characters and their stories, and we've been at it too long for me to just let it fizzle out now because I'm feeling crummy. I know for some of you this may be coming out of left field and it might seem like a lot of fuss to make over a little roleplay forum, but for me this is and has always been a big part of my life. I'm a writer, and I want to pass on my creative writing skills when I become a teacher, and roleplay has been the single most fun and rewarding way that I've been able to hone my storywriting, plot, and character development skills. This isn't just a hobby for me—it's my passion, my career, and my life. And even my therapist agrees that the forum is something I really need to get back into in order to feel like myself again. Why it's taken this long to get back and post is mainly due to the awkwardness I've felt socially. I wasn't quite sure how to come back. Just like those classes that I avoided because I couldn't muster the will to get my assignments done, I feel like I was avoiding the same thing here. I'd failed to post for so long that I was embarrassed to come back and just jump right in like nothing happened (having a half-dead muse didn't help much, either). I know I probably shouldn't have felt that way, and that I might have even been paranoid over nothing, but that's what depression does to you. It makes even the things you love alien to you, and that's not an easy thing to cope with, let alone even accept.
Like I said, I didn't post this for attention or to even really make a big deal about it (despite the length of this monstrous post x__x). I posted it to make my peace with it and move on. I can only hope that my absence hasn't bored everyone away—which has been another fear I've been avoiding. Summer, Ace, and Samaki, you've all been so fantastic and patient that I've felt horrible just leaving you all hanging, and it isn't fair for me to just come back and ask for more patience. I guess I just wanna say that I'm sorry for all this, and I really want to come back and bring the spark back into the forum again. If you're ready to move on though, I completely understand. But if you're still willing to give it another go, then so am I. And this time, I freaking mean it
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel better finally getting it all out. Let's hope that this can be the start of things picking back up again, and if not, then they sure were some damn good times
